For Families and Friends
This is a section just for you!
So, you have a friend or family member who has had a stroke? Here's some important things to remember........
The
number one thing to remember is that
your loved one is still in there! Don't talk down to them or
think they are now stupid. Don't baby them, or talk to them in
that sing-song voice you use with a small child.
Depending on which side of the brain the stroke is on, and where it was located, the person may not be able to put words together to make a sentence, but most can understand what you are saying. Talk to them as you normally would.
Understand that it's extremely frustrating to be trapped in a body that used to work, but has taken a vacation without taking them along. Some people can learn simple sign language for basic needs, or they may do better if they have a communication board with pictures on it to point to so they can make their wants and needs known (the above link explains how to make one). You can get the picture cards at most educational supply stores, or if you are handy at drawing...even stick figures, you can make your own...just make sure you write the word under the picture in case you draw like Picasso. The sooner they are able to communicate with you, the better. That's a big frustration that has been relieved.
Another important thing is to just be there for them and lend support. DON'T do everything for them, however! A couple of months after my stroke, I was at my sister's house, and she was cutting and highlighting my hair. I was getting ready to wash it, and the bathroom seemed a long way away, so I asked her to get a towel for me. She told me that it wasn't that far and to go get it myself because she wasn't going to wait on me hand and foot! "You're out of the hospital now, and you are not going to learn to walk better if everybody does everything for you." She was right. No special treatment there! She was treating me normally! That's important.
When the stroke victim does recover fairly well, it's hard for people to understand why they aren't back to 100%. Sometimes you have to remember that a stroke does involve brain damage, and it's a slow process that sometimes doesn't completely heal. As I've said, I still have a limp and I still stumble and sometimes fall.
Another thing I've mentioned is mood swings. Those hit me pretty hard the first summer after my stroke. I have a close friend who, thankfully is easy going. He's been the target of most of the tantrums I've had. They were tantrums brought on by frustration and other negative feelings I couldn't control. I'd email him and in his words "singe his monitor". Luckily for me he's patient and understanding. He waits it out and lets it pass. Then, I feel terrible about the things I said to him, especially because I didn't mean what I said. It's hard for the stroke victim to control their moods right after a stroke and sometimes they just need to vent frustration. But if you know that crying for little or no reason, or getting unreasonably mad over little things is a part of the after effects of a stroke, then it's easier to deal with.
That's something that you may have expect when your friend or loved one has a stroke. The mood swings are both confusing and upsetting for everyone involved, especially if the person previously was the laid-back, easy-going type. Try not to take it personally, even if they say some very mean and very personal things. It's something that seems to come over that person, and sometimes those feelings are just so overwhelming that they need an outlet. My doctor has me on an antidepressant to help balance out the damage from the stroke.
Now, with over two years distance from the stroke, my moods and feelings are leveling out (much to my relief, and I'm sure, everyone else's). As time has passed, I have gained more control over my temper and behavior. Sometimes it's still a struggle and I'm a real stinker, but the effort to improve is worth it.
Update: October 2005 I'm now almost three and a half years post-stroke, and my mood swings have almost disappeared. I still have a good old melt down now and then, but I can usually control it to the point that I'm cranky and a bit irritable. Thankfully, they are not NEARLY as bad as they were at first. I attribute it to time, healing and an increase in Zoloft...
Being there for your friend or loved one is the greatest thing you can do for them, and even if they can't tell you, they appreciate it.
Here is my family.....an important support group!
(My daughter has her own page)
Depending on which side of the brain the stroke is on, and where it was located, the person may not be able to put words together to make a sentence, but most can understand what you are saying. Talk to them as you normally would.
Understand that it's extremely frustrating to be trapped in a body that used to work, but has taken a vacation without taking them along. Some people can learn simple sign language for basic needs, or they may do better if they have a communication board with pictures on it to point to so they can make their wants and needs known (the above link explains how to make one). You can get the picture cards at most educational supply stores, or if you are handy at drawing...even stick figures, you can make your own...just make sure you write the word under the picture in case you draw like Picasso. The sooner they are able to communicate with you, the better. That's a big frustration that has been relieved.
Another important thing is to just be there for them and lend support. DON'T do everything for them, however! A couple of months after my stroke, I was at my sister's house, and she was cutting and highlighting my hair. I was getting ready to wash it, and the bathroom seemed a long way away, so I asked her to get a towel for me. She told me that it wasn't that far and to go get it myself because she wasn't going to wait on me hand and foot! "You're out of the hospital now, and you are not going to learn to walk better if everybody does everything for you." She was right. No special treatment there! She was treating me normally! That's important.
When the stroke victim does recover fairly well, it's hard for people to understand why they aren't back to 100%. Sometimes you have to remember that a stroke does involve brain damage, and it's a slow process that sometimes doesn't completely heal. As I've said, I still have a limp and I still stumble and sometimes fall.
Another thing I've mentioned is mood swings. Those hit me pretty hard the first summer after my stroke. I have a close friend who, thankfully is easy going. He's been the target of most of the tantrums I've had. They were tantrums brought on by frustration and other negative feelings I couldn't control. I'd email him and in his words "singe his monitor". Luckily for me he's patient and understanding. He waits it out and lets it pass. Then, I feel terrible about the things I said to him, especially because I didn't mean what I said. It's hard for the stroke victim to control their moods right after a stroke and sometimes they just need to vent frustration. But if you know that crying for little or no reason, or getting unreasonably mad over little things is a part of the after effects of a stroke, then it's easier to deal with.
That's something that you may have expect when your friend or loved one has a stroke. The mood swings are both confusing and upsetting for everyone involved, especially if the person previously was the laid-back, easy-going type. Try not to take it personally, even if they say some very mean and very personal things. It's something that seems to come over that person, and sometimes those feelings are just so overwhelming that they need an outlet. My doctor has me on an antidepressant to help balance out the damage from the stroke.
Now, with over two years distance from the stroke, my moods and feelings are leveling out (much to my relief, and I'm sure, everyone else's). As time has passed, I have gained more control over my temper and behavior. Sometimes it's still a struggle and I'm a real stinker, but the effort to improve is worth it.
Update: October 2005 I'm now almost three and a half years post-stroke, and my mood swings have almost disappeared. I still have a good old melt down now and then, but I can usually control it to the point that I'm cranky and a bit irritable. Thankfully, they are not NEARLY as bad as they were at first. I attribute it to time, healing and an increase in Zoloft...
Being there for your friend or loved one is the greatest thing you can do for them, and even if they can't tell you, they appreciate it.
Here is my family.....an important support group!
(My daughter has her own page)
My mom My dad
My sister Lisa and her husband Johnny, and my brother Phil
My sister's
kids, Brandon, Whitney and Logan
I want to say a special "thank you" to
my friend Ed.
Thanks for putting up with my frustrations, my tantrums and mood
swings. Thanks for being my confidant and sounding board, and
thanks for the advice on feeding my soul. Without you, this web
site would have not been possible, you're a great web-site tutor!
Everybody who has had a stroke needs to have a friend like you.
March 2005: I recently attended a conference for Missouri Middle School educators. We attend various workshops throughout the day, and we can pick which ones we want to attend. One by the name of "I love being disabled" caught my eye. The presenter, Kevin Kuschel, is a middle school business teacher (he teaches keyboarding and business type classes). He has had spina bifida since birth, and mostly gets around in a wheelchair, although he can walk with crutches. His presentation was about how to deal with and treat (not medically, but as a person) disabled students/people. Even though I only needed a wheelchair for about three weeks, I could relate to many things he talked about, because I still deal with some after-effects on a daily basis (the most obvious being my limp). He has a list called, "Ten Tips for Dealing with Disabled Students/People" The list can be useful for family and friends of disabled people, as well as people you see or meet in public. The list is as follows:
1. Don't make them the center of attention. (Don't make a big deal of their disability so that it focuses the attention of others)
2. Offer help once, and don't make a big production of it. (If the person says they don't need help, accept that and go on.)
3. Remember that disabled people can be jerks, too. (We are just like the regular population in that our personalities are all different, just like everybody else.)
4. Don't pity the person. (I personally hate pity. I live life just fine!)
5. Don't praise the mundane. (OK, three days after my stroke, standing for several seconds was a big deal.....not now. I can do most everything I need to do, and so can most disabled people.)
6. Don't assume anything. (Ask if you have a question about something, ie: ask if we need help, don't just jump in and try to do it for us.)
7. Physical does not mean mental. (AMEN! I was nutty BEFORE my stroke!)
8. Focus on the person--not the device. (Get to know them as a person, not "the guy/girl in the wheelchair")
9. They are teens. (For those of you that have regular contact w/ a teenager who is disabled in some way, remember they will have the typical mood swings and hormones that non-disabled kids will have.)
10. Relax. (Don't be nervous around us....we aren't nervous around you.....)
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