Why
Me?
I guess that no major medical
problem or illness is complete without the obligatory question.....Why
me?
That's a good question. I guess the flip side of that would
be....Why NOT me? Sometimes there's a reason things happen,
sometimes not. Sometimes it's the choices we make in life that
lead up to it. Sometimes it is because of factors you don't have
any control over. I think I have a combination going here.
Ancestry plus high blood pressure that I didn't want to admit was a
problem, a very
stressful marriage, a tendency to internalize things that bothered me
instead of saying something about it.....all that continued to push
the
pressure as well as my weight up and up. In short, maybe I did it
to myself...at least
partly.
You also hear the statement, "If I had only known." Well, maybe I
did know, maybe I just didn't want to admit there were any problems in
my life. I don't
know. The fact remains that it happened and I can't change
it. There has to be a reason for this. I think maybe I know
what it is, well, maybe part of the reason, at least.
I have been a special education teacher for 11 years. I started
out with Early Childhood Special Ed. (3 to 5 year olds). Went
from that to High School and Elementary grades. Now I teach
Middle School special ed. grades 5-8. I've been doing that
for 5 years. I've run the gamut, of ages and disabilities.
Who better to have this happen to and be able to truly understand what
it's like to not be like everybody else and be able to understand and
make a connection with my students?
Another thing about this is being able to share my story. I'm a
teacher through and through (second generation teacher, as a matter of
fact). I just have the urge to help other people learn from my
experiences. It's an awfully lonely feeling when you think you're
the only one who has gone through some of these things. I know
what that feels like, I felt it myself.
You go from the initial feelings of being grateful that you survived at
all to wondering why in the world you did. So many things in life
have suddenly changed. Will I ever feel "normal" again?
Will anybody understand what it's like? Will I be able to return
to anything close to my regular life again? Why can't I at least
put my own shoes on without feeling like I might lose my balance, fall
and hurt myself? I'm tired of being treated like a child, am I
going to be able to finish raising mine? Am I going to have the
strength to endure life as it is now, and endure all the therapies, and
the embarrassments.......All these feelings and more went through my
mind. Sometimes it feels like nobody will ever understand, and I
can't express how scary and lonely that feeling is. Sometimes it
is so desolate that it's overwhelming.
My original idea for a web site in the first place was just for fun,
and to have a place to post pictures of my family that my out-of-state
relatives could access easily. One day a little seed of an idea
took root. I was
thinking about some of the things that had happened to my body and my
feelings...things that you don't read about on web sites about strokes,
and things the professionals don't even think to tell you about...they
are usually so busy treating your body that they forget about your
emotional well-being. I
wondered why nobody thought to tell me about stroke extending,
incontinence, body-parts tingling when nerves are regenerating, mood
swings, symptoms
becoming more pronounced when you are really tired....things like
that.
I was hesitant to tell anybody about what I was thinking about doing
because, frankly, I
thought they'd think it was a self-serving goofy idea. I talked
to a friend,
about the idea. He said he thought is was a good, useful idea,
and encouraged me to go for it. And for better or worse, I did.
My whole intent in all this is to take something devastating like a
stroke and try to get something positive out of it. Sometimes I
have to look pretty hard. Times like, when I fall and it hurts,
times when I'd really like to walk without a limp because I just want
to fit in and not have anybody notice, times when I'd just like to be
able to skip and run
with my daughter, and especially those times when the frustration and
depression
seem to be hitting me hard. And, yes, after getting a divorce, I
wonder if I'll be alone the rest of my life....after all, why would
somebody ever want to care about somebody like me?
Update May, 2006: I have found the answer to the question
on whether I will go through life alone...NOPE!! For the past
year and a half, I have been dating a man whose courage and strength
put me to shame. He has relapsing/remitting multiple
sclerosis...and he's a widdowed father of three boys. From
him, I've learned so much about inner strength and patience and
love. I'm as happy and content as I ever remember being in my
adult life! He has a huge heart, and treats me with such
respect. I don't know if I would have fully appreciated the
extent of his strength and love, had I not had my stroke.
I realize just how blessed I have
been. When I had my stroke, I had a lot of people praying for
me....even when I didn't
feel like doing it for myself. It could have been so much worse,
and
I know that. I don't think that it was just luck that I have made
the recovery that I have.
People have been put into
place when and
where I have needed them, and I just felt like it was my turn to
give back. I feel that what I've been
through has been for a reason. Maybe
it's to share my experiences, I don't know, but I do believe in God
(I'm a Christian) and
I know I've had a lot of help from Him.
It helps me to know that maybe
I've helped at least one person know
that they aren't the only one, helped somebody understand that there
are strange things that happen, but it's OK, it's normal for a stroke
survivor, and a lot of
it will probably pass. It is my hope to lend some comfort now and
then and
help families better understand what it feels like to be their loved
one. It's then I think that maybe this is why it happened to me.